This is as un-serious as it gets, and par for the course in Ohio politics.

Jean Schmidt wants to track the pregnancies of Frogman.

No. Wait.

She wants a database to track pregnancies from first heartbeat involving a certificate of life issued by an OB-GYN in Ohio (because her friend feels sad about losing a baby, and not to feed feral pro-life prosecutors bullshit information at all, nope, not that at all, even though she herself is a rabid pro-lifer who hasn’t had a valid hormone since 1970 but wants to be all up in errybody else’s womb.)

And, she wants the Loveland Frogman to be the state cryptid for Ohio.

Someone go get your Auntie; she’s acting up in the Ohio House of Representatives again. No, she didn’t spit her teeth at anyone, but I fear that’s on the way soon enough.

Ten years ago, the thought of Ohio having an official state cryptid would have given me great joy. I love the idea of unknown things. I believe in pretty much everything until I don’t. I figure it covers all the bases just in case there is an afterlife and Bigfoot is in charge on the other side. I don’t care what or who you believe in as long as it’s not a child rapist.

(If you believe in a child rapist you can march your happy ass right on down ‘Fuck You Avenue,’ turn left at, ‘Pound Sand Drive,’ walk straight to the river and find the damn bottom. I’ll be happy to help you. I’m good like that.)

I get trying to bring a little fun to the job, Jean, but read the room.

Ohio probably does have a Frogman and it’s probably because Ohio used to have rivers that actually caught fire and burned…RIVERS, Jean. That’s an unnatural, human-made problem and there’s no telling what the crispy fried hell some of these manufacturers (who have long been gone) dumped into our water right before they split for higher ground and safer air.

Jean, how about we table your idea to track people’s pregnancies, and you can call the Frogman whatever you want without any official paper on it. You can make tee shirts and everything. (Bring me my puff paint, STAT!)

Frankly, my dear, we don’t give a damn. And, we don’t trust you. At. All.

This rancid administration has worn us all the way out with incessant crap and constant, never-ending assault on human decency and our basic rights as American citizens.

What hideous thing might you attach to your Frogman proposal, hidden away in the depths of lawyer talk circle-language? Whose rights will you quietly violate inside of a weird, benign-looking bill about something imaginary?

We can’t even trust you to be cute, Jean. That’s a problem. We can’t even trust you to do something fun and neato because anyone who would even suggest something as invasive of medical privacy as a certificate of life for a fetal heartbeat would certainly do something fucked up with the fun and neato thing.

May 5^th is the Ohio primary. Vote like your life depends on it because my friends, it sure as hell does. And it’s just a preview of how much our lives depend on it on November 3^rd.

LFG, Ohio.

DO BETTER. We can shake off public parasites like Jean Schmidt and Jim Jordan - who has never once in 20 years of public ‘service’ put forth his own legislation but instead looms over special committees like the gross Peeping-Tom he is.

Or Mike Turner, who apparently has no idea how to communicate with the staff who answers his office phone whatsoever. I seriously think it takes a seance to reach him and frankly, if I had an employee who refused to communicate with anyone on the team but insisted on getting on national news to spew absolute poppycock every chance he got, I would fire them immediately if not sooner.

So let’s. Because news flash: They work for us and this ain’t working, y’all.

Get angry, get informed but don’t let them steal your sunshine. Turn it up and remember to vote.