It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s an undocumented immigrant

You forgot to mention the volunteer work at abortion clinics.

Sometimes a story just doesn’t sit right in my craw. I can swallow a whole lot of political tripe, but sometimes it just won’t go down, no matter how much red, white, and blue Kool-aid I drink. I think we can all agree that the recent incident regarding our friend and real sport model, Puppy-Slayer McGnomelips, losing track of her purse with three large and all her DHS credentials in it, is one of those stories. (Refer also to, “Assassination Attempt,” in which we were supposed to believe a .228 didn’t take someone’s ear clean off upon any kind of impact. Tripe. Pure, unadulterated tripe.)

As I mentioned in an earlier piece about Sporty and her purse woes, it seems very suspect that any grown woman with a job actually containing the word “security” in the title would lay her purse down on the floor of a restaurant. Also, gross. Again, I don’t know if it’s a southern thing or my elders were just fastidious, but my Gran would have had a hissy fit if I ever put my purse on the floor at a restaurant. Everyone knows that’s how you get roaches. Don’t they? Well, they should.

Anyway, there’s so much wrong with the original scenario. Purse on the floor (gross), three thousand dollars cash money (What the fuck, Lips? You pull a hit on a poodle for someone, or what?) and most importantly, lack of anyone in the whole group of armed professionals attending the roach gathering soiree noticing a masked man sitting down beside the group, close enough to put his foot on her sack o’cash and credentials, and slip it away. I don’t even have a pithy inside comment on that, it really can’t be enhanced for satirical pleasure.

But wait, there’s more. And I didn’t make it up although I wish I had.

There’s been an arrest in the theft. Just like the original story, it reeks of three week old tripe. Surprise! The person in question is an (gasp and clutch your pearls real hard) undocumented immigrant.

The very people Miss Fancy Purse is currently involved in waging a personal war against. The very people she and the turnip want us to believe are the base of every problem the United States has ever had. The people to whom they gleefully deny due process, illegally, and boast about it on We’re Not Nazis Social.

Honestly, Pillow Puss, if you’re going to make up a big honkin’ lie, cover all the booguns. Make them a transgender, undocumented illegal immigrant who got their sex organs from Joe Biden personally and volunteers at abortion clinics on Wednesdays. Some vile creature who thinks education is important and has a public library card. Someone who wants clean air, of all hideous things, and would like for their grandchildren to know what a “tree” is. Someone who loves National Parks and thinks it’s important to know where the scientists are that we need to take care of our nuclear arsenal. Someone that gross would surely override the fact that you have a roach infested purse and make your base truly terrified of them.

You missed an opportunity, sis. Maybe next time. Because we’re all pretty damn sure this dumpster fire isn’t over. Grab your popcorn, there are yarns to be strung yet.