“I’d like a venti armadillo tail with a triple pump of funk juice and a little extra effort, please.”

If it takes you longer to order it than it does to drink it, your coffee might be bougie.

I wouldn’t even be sure I didn’t order it. I don’t speak ‘coffee house’.

I didn’t drink a whole cup of coffee until I was well into my 40’s. I was raised in a Mormon household; my parents never drank it. The closest I came to coffee during my childhood was Grandpap’s instant Maxwell House - which seemed like a huge transgression to me as a child, but as …