Bigfoot is real enough to have an FBI file, kids.

I am a believer in everything paranormal and crypto zoology until the feds are involved.

So, uh, the FBI has a Bigfoot file.

This isn’t a huge surprise because the deep, dark vaults of federal fuckery are legion. I scared the poo out of myself by reading, “Writers Under Surveillance,” a few years ago. (You remember, way back in 2018 when the world had just begun to slip fully into the grasp of filth blobs in human skins. What seems like a millennia and ‘everything we have ever known is a lie’ ago.)

Little did I know then that McCarthy was a flaccid feeb compared to the absolute power the feds hold now. It’s laughable comparatively and so very close in evil reasoning that I find it remarkable we never learned one single collective lesson from a long history rife with governmental overreach into people’s personal lives.

But we did learn about Bigfoot, so there’s that.

Of course, it’s the feds, so I don’t believe a dingle dang thing they have to say. I’m pretty sure Bigfoot (or Woodboogers, or Sasquatch, or Grassman) might still be out there, taunting the Men in Black and trading deer carcasses for sugar with the mountain folk.

Or, Steve Bannon really does live in the woods and never bathes.

He wears fourteen shirts to cover the hideous odors emanating from his unwashed pores. Gross.

(At least one of those statements is true and it’s not about Slimy Steve’s residence. Gross. Someone show that swollen turd what soap is for.)

So, it’s not clear what Bigfoot did to bring the feds down on him because aficionados insist there are ‘secret’ files that haven’t been released. Rumor has it the beast is wanted for tax evasion because the feds apparently don’t care if you rape kids but if you screw with their money, you’re toast. (Unless your name is Tom ‘The Bagman’ Homan, but that’s another story.)

The 22 pages of files released are mostly correspondence from The Bigfoot Information Center (Now the North American Bigfoot Center) regarding a clump of ‘unusual’ hairs sent to the feds for analysis.

That was their first mistake, but I guess pickings were slim for labs that had the capacity to do a cellular breakdown on hair in 1977.

Anyway, the hairs were finally tested and according to the same organization currently run by a drunk, wall-eyed power freak, the hairs were determined to be that of a deer. (Probably from a deer carcass that the Woodbooger traded Sally Mae for molasses and biscuits, but of course, that’s not mentioned anywhere but my imagination.)

Case closed. Bigfoot isn’t real because a three letter organization now used as a tool for obfuscating the crimes of a violent child rapist says so.

Mmmm hmmm. Sho ‘nuff.

In related news, a human being can indeed dislodge an eyeball from rolling their orbs with great force. Also, I cannot help but wonder if Cash Pants has had to be careful of blows to the back of his head his entire life to avoid losing both eyes.

(My great aunt had a dog like that once. If it got slapped on the back of the head, his little eyes would pop and he’d have to go to the vet.)

Maybe Cash can get a little helmet made for himself with his deadly logo on it so no one knows it only takes one short sharp blow to the base of his skull to make it happen. First thing I’d do if I was him is have my thyroid checked, but hey, who am I to offer assistance?

What can I say? I’m a problem solver.

In closing, remember that all you need to make friends with Sasquatch is a pocket full of sugar cubes and some fine marijuana to share with them. Follow me for more tips on endearing the cryptids and daydreaming about seeing Cash Patel get smacked in the back of the head hard enough to make his thyroid eyes pop out.

Don’t forget to turn it up and imagine what ‘Them Shoes’ would look like if they belonged to Grassman.

Please be safe out there.